Relationship tips
Well this habits blog has taken a while to appear! (And, in the process it also got a bit long, but there is a bullet point summary at the end.) This lengthy time to produce one blog has beautifully illuminated my habit of procrastination! In my defence, I had scheduled this topic for a few weeks ago, inspired by the Mental Health Super Summit, and Dr Justin Coulson’s session on Healthy Habits and Harmful Habits. However, I then had an unscheduled overseas trip due to a family bereavement. When I got back home to Brisbane, I found that it took pretty much a full week for my jet lag to pass, plus a few days more to coax my brain back into focussing on one thing at a time.
I’ve discussed this mind wandering a bit over the past week with clients; when we’re talking about the benefits of mindfulness but also the need for it to be a consistent habit to really have the full positive effects. I’m having to put a bit of extra work into mindfulness myself at the moment, very consciously adding it into my daily routine. So that’s one habit I’m working on.
Let’s say I also have a bit of a procrastination habit, that has been heightened by the recent break in my routine and the mental fog of jet lag – how do I break that bad habit? And what is the best way to break a bad habit?
WHAT IS A HABIT?
First of all, let’s define habits, in the hope that understanding what a habit actually is, helps give some insight into how to make a change, and make it stick. Dr Ben Gardner, of Kings College and University College London, defines a habit as ‘a process that generates impulses to act in a particular way, based on learned associations between situations and actions.’ Dr Gardner notes that the general view or definition considers a habit as a behaviour that a person does often, that is difficult to control. He suggests that this value judgement, the idea that that the habit is hard for the person to control, becomes a way of excusing behaviours that aren’t necessarily helpful for that person. Focusing more on the learned association aspect can make it less about how to ‘excuse’ the habit, and move the focus to the positives, in terms of people being able to learn new associations and behaviours.
WHY IS IT HARD TO BREAK A HABIT?
Habits are hard to break as they have a function; they’re mental short cuts, things that we can do without thinking, and we’re getting a reward from the habit. For example, if you are a smoker, chances are you’ve come to associate smoking with stress relief; the deep breaths involved are calming and, over time, the whole process is now a stress relief or calming habit for you.
It’s important to also remember that habits aren’t all bad, and that there are a multitude of things that we automatically do which help get many routine tasks done quickly and efficiently, by cutting out thinking and decision making. Think of things like putting socks and shoes on, if I asked whether you do sock and shoe on one foot, and then the other, or if you put on both socks then both shoes, you might have to think for a second before you answer, as this is something you just do automatically. And if you think of the time it takes for a young child to get the hang of socks and shoes, that’s a good illustration of the consistent and repeated effort required to build a new habit.
WHERE TO START TO CHANGE A HABIT?
Firstly, really pinpoint the why. Why do you want to change; what it the new outcome you’re looking for and why is it important to you? This will help you to focus your efforts in the right place to start with. Change is hard; it requires letting go of things that we have previously found useful in some way, so we need changes to feel positive and right for us to commit to them. The change needs to be aligned to our values and be directed towards an outcome that is positive and meaningful for us.
What do I mean? So, for example, I’m not particularly bothered by size/weight from the aesthetic viewpoint, and therefore I’m really bad at committing to a ‘diet’. However I am concerned about my health and my kids’ health, so if I align a habit of making better food choices with the goal of modelling healthy habits for my kids, and having more energy to keep up with them, that habit is much more likely to stick for me.
Once you’ve worked out the why, then move on to the what. What is your habit doing for you; what is the reward you are getting from it? What is your replacement reward? What can you do that gives you the same reward without the downside? For example, I procrastinate, so for that brief pause when I’m avoiding the task I’m supposed to be working on (blog-writing, for example) I get an increase in free time, which I could maybe use to browse real estate websites.
If I build ‘browsing breaks’ into my day, giving myself solid chunks of work and then scheduled breaks, I get the same opportunities for looking at dream properties that I’m never going to actually buy, plus I get the feel-good rewards of finishing the blog.
MAKING THE CHANGE
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, talks about how ‘everybody wants a transformation; everybody wants radical improvement; we want rapid success’ and how we therefore often fail to realise that small habits and little choices are making a difference every day. In terms of planning and building this insight into changing your habits, I see this as support for setting realistic goals, and building milestones into bigger goals. If your goal is to start running, and maybe your end goal is to do Parkrun every Saturday, start with a program like ‘couch to 5k’ which breaks that bigger goal of running 5 kilometres into smaller, more realistic, steps.
Planning is important; and be specific in your plan. For example, the ‘couch to 5k’ program sets out three runs a week, so schedule 3 x 30 minutes into your week. Add in a backup 30 minutes to allow for missing a run if you really have to, make sure you have proper running shoes and comfy socks ready to go, download an app or tracker to help you, plan your route etc. Set yourself up for success by having the tools and equipment you need ready to go, and then go for it, just get started. If you miss a day/session, or have a slip up (in the case of habits where you’re trying to stop an existing behaviour) it’s not the end of the world and no reason to abandon your efforts altogether – if we go back to the socks and shoes example, when little kids are learning to do something new we don’t say ‘oh well you obviously can’t do this, just give up!’ Instead we generally keep helping and remind them that they can keep practising and try again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, until one day it clicks, and they just do it automatically.
HOW TO MAKE A CHANGE STICK
Reward yourself along the way; what works best will be a mix of large and small rewards, including something fairly soon after you start the change, and frequent rewards as you progress. Rewards can be pretty much anything, as long as they have meaning and value for you, and as long as they don’t undermine the change you’re making (for example rewarding a diet type goal with treat food could be undermining, but rewarding with a massage, bubble bath etc could work. Or consider a reward that contributes to the goal, such as a cooking class).
Enlist the help of supportive others, for example exercising with a friend is known to improve your chances of sticking with it as you don’t want to let them down. Find a ‘window of opportunity’ to implement your plan; a time when it’s more likely that you can let go of existing behaviours and replace with new ones. For example, if you change jobs, it can be a great time to also start a new habit like going to a gym near your new work or bringing lunch every day to save money and support a savings habit. If you start the new habit at the same time, the two things become linked; getting ready to go to work becomes a cue for grabbing your gym gear.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO BREAK A BAD HABIT? (OR TO EMBED A NEW HABIT)
There are a few answers to this; for many years the idea was that a habit can be broken, or made, in two weeks. However a 2010 study at University College London found it took an average of 66 days for a behaviour to become automatic for the participants in the study. Other research suggests its less time than this, but still allow at least a month. Some guides say you must never slip up but, for most people, taking longer and forgiving the occasional slip on the way actually supports better adoption and long-term maintenance of the new behaviour. Persistence is key!
SO, WHERE TO ACTUALLY START?
Recognising that I have gotten a bit carried away and used way too many words on this one, below is my 5 P’s – a 5-step summary on breaking an old habit or forming a new one.
1. Pick a goal or target - make it simple and achievable and break the big goal into chunks
2. Plan how you will reach it – what are the pathways, and are there any roadblocks you need to move?
3. Practice – start your new habit. Adjust the plan if you need to but keep practising
4. Praise yourself – have a reward when you reach your goal or target
5. Persist – don’t give up the whole thing if you slip up
FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOUR GOAL IS DAILY MINDFULNESS YOU MIGHT;
1. Pick 5 minutes a day as your initial goal
2. Plan by finding a mindfulness app to help you, and identify a good time of day
3. Practice – spend time each day being mindful. Adjust the time of day if your initial idea doesn’t work, or try a new app, listen to a mindfulness blog for ideas etc if your plan needs tweaking.
4. Praise yourself with whatever you enjoy, a walk, a treat, Netflix etc.
5. Persist if you miss a day. Don’t give up (and don’t ‘punish’ yourself with having to do 10 minutes the next day to make up for it – as that will likely make your new habit less appealing!).
As ever, please get in touch if there’s something you’re stuck on; sometimes talking through your plan can make all the difference! Thanks for reading, Louise at Cara Counselling
Photo by Tobias Tullius on Unsplash