Happiness - How to be happy

Happiness is one of those words or concepts that means different things to different people. Happiness can mean joy, pleasure, contentment, fun, peace, etc, and generally a mixture, or balance, of all these emotions equates to general happiness.

It’s very important to note that we realistically can’t be happy all the time – things that are meaningful, things that matter to us, like work or relationships or family or our favourite sport – will not always deliver happiness. But certainly, a goal of generally feeling happy, content, having a sense of well-being is realistic, and there are many things we can do that feed into happiness and well-being.

Tips for happiness

Here’s the quick version; tips for maintaining a happy flow in your life. They’re all beneficial, and together they give a rounded, well-balanced approach to well-being.

• Work on your foundations – sleep, exercise and nutrition are all important – it’s hard to be happy when you’re tired (or hangry!!).

• Understand your values and your strengths, who you are and what you’re good at, and make choices that fit those values and strengths – the who and how you want to be.

• Find your flow – do activities that you lose yourself in, where you get engrossed and lose track of time - where you’re focused on the present rather than off ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.

• Think positive – not rose-coloured glasses type positive – but practice noticing and correcting those automatic negative thoughts (you know, the ‘I can’t’, ‘I always …’ ‘I’m no good at …’ type thoughts).

• Spend time with people who you feel good around – and bonus happiness points generally come with helping others.

• And, of course, get out into nature; whether it’s a hike, a walk in the park, or a spot of gardening. Any green space is good!

If you’re feeling that you need a bit more than the quick tip version; if maybe you need to dig a little deeper to set you off on the path to happiness, read on.

What is happiness?

I have clients who just want to be happy. When I ask what’s brought them to counselling, or when we’re talking about their counselling ‘goals’, about what will be different for them, they say they just want to be happy. I generally approach this by working to find out what ‘happiness’ means in action. We’re all different, so what happiness looks and feels like varies. Have a think about what happiness would look like for you; what would you be doing, and how is this different from now? Take time to reflect on times you felt good; times that you relate to ‘happiness’.

If they are joyous, fun, exhilarating occasions, maybe what you’re therefore seeking is pleasure, which tends to come from experiences and be more externally driven. If what comes up for you is times you felt content, satisfied, at peace etc, that suggests that what you’re striving for is more around contentment or fulfilment, which tends to be more internal, maybe a self-actualisation focus. While it's likely that a bit of both is the best balance, it’s also not unusual for one area to be ‘out of whack’. For example, you may have plenty of laughs, fun and partying, but a lack of depth or meaning. Or you may be so busy in the meaningful stuff, that there’s no space for fun.

How to be happy

Once you have a vision of what happiness looks like, then you can look at the why, what is it about this picture of happiness that’s important to you. This is where I would look your values, and your strengths, who you are and what you’re good at. Then you can make considered choices that fit those values and strengths – guiding you towards who and how you want to be.  There are times when this is fairly easy, just do more of ‘x’ (e.g. if x is hanging out with friends, listening to or playing music), and times when it is more tricky – when doing more of ‘x’ means saying no to something else! And that’s where it comes back to values; working out what’s important to you, rather than what you ‘should’ be focussed on.

Sometimes, when you’ve thought about what happiness looks like and what you’d like more of, you realise that what’s actually going on is that you want less of something – less doubt, less stress, less worry. Less of the negative self-talk. If you catch yourself thinking ‘I’m always stressed’, ‘I’ll never be able to change’, that’s negative self-talk right there. Always, never, can’t .. these absolutes can be quite limiting, and tiring! The good news is they’re just words, thoughts are not facts. There is of course often some truth in there, and that’s what makes negative self-talk sticky – there’s just enough fact to make it all seem real.

Notice those recurring, limiting, negative thoughts. What’s coming up? What’s hooking you? As you get better at noticing, you’ll likely find it’s the same things coming up, like a song on repeat. Name the thought, e.g. there’s worry, or there’s the ‘I can’t’ story. Neutralise, e.g. by naming the thought, by imagining the thought playing along as background music etc. And bring your focus back to the important stuff. The person in front of you, the thing you’re working on, etc.

Is happiness a realistic goal?

And finally, a great way to feel happier is to let go of the idea that you should be happy all the time! Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, sets out a number of happiness ‘myths’, which he describes as pretty much setting us up for a struggle that we can’t win. Two of these are the idea that happiness is our natural state, and that if we’re not happy there’s something wrong with us.  The Happiness Trap is a great book if you want to bust these, and other myths, and make changes in your life. But in short, we can’t always be happy, and if you think about it, constant happiness is not that great a goal. Many of the things that bring us the greatest rewards; feelings of joy, fulfilment, belonging, and love, also bring fear, worry, sadness, doubt and so on. Work, family, relationships, friends; the big chunks of our lives bring all sorts of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Being happy often amounts to being present, focusing on the here and now. Living in the moment while also  making choices that keep us going in the direction of who we are and what’s important to us.

If you’d like more information, or support with putting any of this into practice, I am of course happy to help!