Parenting Strategies for ADHD Parents with ADHD children
Parenting a child with ADHD comes with unique challenges and rewards, and if the parent is also an ADHDer it can get messy! And it’s pretty easy to feel like we’re constantly failing. So it's essential to equip ourselves with parenting strategies and techniques to navigate these ADHD challenges effectively. As an ADHDer myself, with a 10 year old with ADHD, I’m well aware of the overload of information out there, and how easy it is to feel overwhelmed. Therefore I’m aiming to keep this blog short & simple, and stick to ADHD parenting strategies that I have personally found helpful.
A lot of resources on ADHD parenting tend to start with things like boundaries, or reward charts. While clear boundaries and limits are important, and reward charts may have their place (I personally don’t recommend them), what I have found is that all the rules and reward charts in the world don’t help if I haven’t got my own emotional regulation sorted!
So I’m starting with self-care, and will then cover some strategies tailored specifically for ADHD parents, helping you address some of the more difficult ADHD behaviours, particularly around ADHD and emotional regulation skills (for both you and your ADHD child/ren).
Because there are a lot of things around ADHD parenting that I want to share, this is part one of a two part blog. The next instalment will cover more on behaviour, plus building emotional regulation and organisation skills. I’ve gone with these topics as they’re what I’ve found most important for our family; please let me know anything else you’d like to read about, as I’m not averse to turning this into a 3 or even 4 part blog.
Parental Self-Care Tips for ADHD Parents
As ADHD parents, it's crucial to prioritise self-care to maintain well-being and support our own emotional regulation. One key element of self-care is exercise. I frequently feel bad telling my clients they need to find time for exercise, as I know they’re generally already busy. But I also know research[1] has found a positive impact of exercise on ADHD symptoms and cognitive function, with beneficial effects reported across cognitive, behavioural, and socio-emotional functioning (especially from cardio exercise).
Routines are one of the proven ways that we ADHDers can get on track and stay on track, so set aside a regular exercise time for yourself, have an ongoing / recurring booking for a class or activity, and ensure it’s something that you actually enjoy and feel good after.
As well as getting the positive impact of exercise for ADHD symptoms, try to engage in a range of activities you enjoy, practice relaxation techniques (particularly mindfulness techniques as helpful for adults with ADHD), and seek support from friends, family, or a counsellor/coach when needed. Remember that taking care of yourself enables you to better support and care for your child, and all the other important people and aspects of your life.
Addressing difficult / unhelpful ADHD behaviours, and building regulation skills
I mentioned in the intro that I personally don’t recommend reward charts as a way of addressing some of the issues that come up with our ADHD kids. And this is because the issue is generally not motivation. If you offered me a reward of $500 every time I did a handstand, I’d be very motivated to do handstands, but alas I can’t actually do handstands. The result? I’d get demotivated pretty quickly, and probably also feel like I’d failed. It’s the same for our kids when we want to motivate them – if they don’t have the skills and tools to do the job, reward charts are worse than useless.
So what are some helpful parenting strategies for children with ADHD?
First off; acceptance.
ADHD is a neurological difference (I prefer ‘difference’ to ‘disorder’ for a number of reasons, not least because ADHD does come with positives as well as the challenging bits!). Our kids are not trying to be ‘difficult’, rather they struggle with executive functioning skills such as the ability to sustain attention, plan and organise, and recall information. Two great gifts we can give our kids (and ourselves) are compassion, and curiosity. When we get curious about what is happening it helps us switch from ‘why?!’ mode and into problem solving mode.
Curiosity involves, for example, looking at the context around difficult behaviour. Paying attention to whether the behaviour is generally around the same time or triggers, and looking out for common issues like:
Instructions being too vague; like the classic ‘clean your room’. Your child might not know what ‘clean’ means – especially as we often say clean when we really mean tidy.
My ADHD kid is quite literal; he doesn’t deliberately misinterpret things but if he’s asked to ‘pick up those socks you left on the sofa’ he may literally pick them up and move them to the coffee table. We need to specifically instruct him to pick them up and take to the laundry.
Not understanding why it’s important, or why it has to be done now. Explain the intent when you’re asking your ADHD child to do something (or not do something). When we, and our kids, know the why, it can make the ‘what’ and the ‘how’ easier.
Transitions / time ‘blindness’. Especially when kids are focussed on something they really enjoy, being asked to stop and do something else is a common trigger for difficult behaviours.
The task being too big – or having too many instructions. I mentioned chunking earlier; this is big for us in the mornings. “Get ready for school” is too big; instead we break it into get dressed, put on socks and shoes, put on sunscreen, fill your water bottle etc. For some people this is where a visual checklist is great; and we use a checklist for the after school transition.
Linked to chunking, don’t try to ‘fix’ everything at once!
For example, I promised to keep this short and simple so, even though there is a lot more I want to cover, I’ll finish here.
In closing
This blog covered a bit on self-care, plus the overarching qualities, or strengths, of Curiosity, and Compassion, and how to apply those strengths. In part two of the blog I’ll talk about some more parenting strategies for children with ADHD, and emotional regulation and coping skills. Thanks for reading! And please get in touch with any questions, or specific concerns you’d like me to cover.
[1] Den Heijer et al 2017