How to Parent an ADHD Child When You Have ADHD Too (Without Losing the Plot)
If you're an ADHD parent raising an ADHD child, you already know that the usual parenting advice doesn't quite cut it. The reward charts, the chore rosters, the "just be more consistent" suggestions - they assume a neurotypical brain on at least one side of the equation.
This is for when that's not the case.
As an ADHDer myself, parenting a child with ADHD, I'm well aware of how much information is out there - and how quickly that becomes its own source of overwhelm. So I'm keeping this practical, personal, and focused on what I've actually found helpful.
Why Reward Charts Often Don't Work for ADHD Kids
Before we get into what does help, it's worth addressing the most common starting point: reward charts.
The issue isn't motivation. If I offered you $500 every time you did a handstand, you'd be motivated! but if you can't do a handstand, that motivation doesn't help. You'd just feel like you'd failed.
It's the same for our kids. If they don't yet have the skills and tools to do what we're asking, no reward chart will bridge that gap. The result is a child who feels like they're constantly failing - which, for an ADHD child who may have already heard significantly more negative feedback than their peers, is the last thing we want to add to.
So instead of starting with behaviour, we start with two things: the parent, and the relationship.
Start With Your Own Regulation
This is the thing I come back to most with clients, and in my own parenting.
All the strategies in the world don't help if your own emotional regulation isn't in reasonable shape. You are the nervous system that's regulating everyone else's in that household. If you're dysregulated, it flows downward.
This isn't about being perfect - it's about having enough in the tank. Which means self-care isn't optional, it's structural.
A few things that genuinely help for ADHD parents:
Exercise: research consistently shows a positive impact on ADHD symptoms and cognitive function, particularly cardio. Build it into a routine rather than relying on motivation to show up
Relaxation and mindfulness practices: particularly helpful for adult ADHDers
Support: friends, family, a counsellor or coach. You're not meant to figure this out alone
Taking care of yourself isn't indulgent. It's what makes everything else possible.
The Two Most Useful Qualities: Curiosity and Compassion
When difficult behaviour shows up (and it will) the two most useful things you can bring are curiosity and compassion.
Compassion starts with the reminder that your child is not trying to be difficult. ADHD is a neurological difference, not a character flaw. Our kids struggle with executive functioning - sustaining attention, planning, organising, recalling information. When things go sideways, they need understanding more than consequences.
Curiosity means shifting from why?! mode into problem-solving mode. Instead of reacting to the behaviour, get interested in it. Ask:
Is this happening at the same time each day, or around the same triggers?
Are my instructions too vague? ("Clean your room" often means different things to different brains)
Does my child understand why this matters, or why it needs to happen now?
Is the task too big, or broken into too many steps at once?
Is a transition involved - moving from something they love to something they don't?
Curiosity also builds connection. And connection, it turns out, is one of the most powerful tools in ADHD parenting.
The ADHD Developmental Lag — What It Means in Practice
One of the most important things to understand about ADHD kids is that there is generally a developmental lag of around three years in the executive functioning areas of the brain. Things that a neurotypical 7-year-old can manage may not be realistic for your ADHDer until around age 10.
This isn't an excuse; it's important context. It means that rules and boundaries need to be set with your specific child in mind, not against a neurotypical benchmark. And it means that multiple reminders aren't a sign that something isn't working - they're often just part of the process.
A Note on Chunking
One of the most consistently helpful strategies across almost every ADHD challenge is chunking; breaking things down into smaller, more manageable pieces.
"Get ready for school" is too big. "Get dressed, then put on your shoes, then fill your water bottle" is chunked.
This applies to rules, tasks, conversations, and goals. If things feel stuck, the first question worth asking is: can this be made smaller?
FAQ
Is it normal to feel like I'm failing as an ADHD parent? Completely. ADHD parenting is genuinely harder - for neurological reasons, not personal ones. The strategies that work for most families often don't translate, and the learning curve is real. You're not failing; you're navigating something that requires a different approach.
Should I tell my child they have ADHD? Generally yes - age-appropriately and framed positively. Children who understand their ADHD tend to develop better self-awareness and self-compassion. It also opens up conversations about what helps them specifically.
What's the most important thing to focus on first? Your own regulation. Everything else flows from there.
Do reward charts ever work for ADHD kids? Occasionally, for some children, in specific circumstances. But they work best when the child already has the skill - the chart just provides motivation. When the skill isn't there yet, build the skill first.
If you're navigating ADHD parenting and would like some support - whether that's your own ADHD, your child's, or both - this is exactly the kind of thing I work on with clients. I'm a registered counsellor based in Brisbane, and I also work online. Feel free to reach out at caracounselling.com.au
About the Author
Audrey Louise Armstrong (BSc (Hons) Psych, PACFA-registered counsellor) is the founder of Cara Counselling. Based in North Brisbane, and working in person and online, she supports midlife, mid-career women experiencing anxiety, stress, overwhelm, and ADHD - helping them build calm, confidence, and connection in daily life. She draws on evidence-based approaches including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and EFT (tapping) in her work.