How to Stop Saying Yes When You Mean No: A 5-Step Guide for People Pleasers
Knowing you need better boundaries and actually being able to set and hold them are two very different things.
I hear this all the time from clients: "I know I need better boundaries. I just don't know how to do it." And if that sounds familiar, you're in very good company.
Boundaries can be genuinely hard; especially if you're a people pleaser, someone who's used to absorbing other people's needs, or someone where saying no has got a bad reaction in the past and felt unsafe. Over time, saying yes just becomes automatic. It's easier. Less friction.
For ADHDers there's an extra layer: impulsivity means you've often said yes before you've even thought it through, and time blindness means you genuinely didn't realise you didn't have time for the thing you just enthusiastically agreed to.
Here's the reframe that helps: boundaries aren't about willpower. They're a skill. And like any skill, they can be learned, and they get easier with practice.
A Quick Reminder Before the Steps
Boundaries are about your behaviour, not other people's. They're not about controlling someone else; they're about deciding what you will do in response to a situation.
You communicate a boundary. You hold a boundary. But you can't enforce it in another person. You can only control your end.
Step 1: Notice
Before you can set a boundary, you need to know where one is needed.
Pay attention to where you feel energy drain, resentment, or that familiar I should have said no feeling. Notice the physical signals too; a tightness, a heaviness, that slightly queasy feeling before you answer a call from someone you don't want to talk to.
You're looking for patterns. The people, situations, or recurring moments where something feels off. Start with one or two; not everything at once.
And if the first thing that comes to mind feels too big or too confronting, start smaller. The goal at this stage is just to notice.
Step 2: Get Clear - What Actually Is the Boundary
Vague intentions aren't boundaries. "I want to go to bed earlier" is not a boundary. "I have a reminder that goes off at 10:30 and that's my signal for bed" that's a boundary.
The difference is specificity. What will you do? What won't you do?
"I wish they'd stop calling" is not a boundary - there's no action in it. "I won't answer calls when it doesn't suit me" is a boundary. Clear, specific, yours to hold.
The clearer you are with yourself, the easier it becomes to hold, and to communicate.
Step 3: Communicate It (When Needed)
Not every boundary needs to be communicated. A boundary you're setting with yourself; around sleep, screen time, what you eat - that’s yours to hold quietly (unless you’re sharing in order to enlist support or encouragement - and even then it’s not transferring any expectation to the other person).
When another person is involved, communication matters. And simpler is better.
You don't need a long explanation. "I'm not always able to pick up straight away; if I don't answer, leave a message and I'll call you back when I can" is enough. You don't need to justify it, over-explain it, or apologise for it.
Keep it clear, keep it calm, keep it brief.
Step 4: Hold It
This is often the hardest step - especially for people pleasers.
You've communicated the boundary. Now someone calls repeatedly and you're tempted to pick up just to make it stop. Don't. Hold the boundary you set.
You don't need to explain yourself when you do eventually call back. A simple "didn't suit me earlier, suits me now" is enough.
You will likely have to restate the boundary sometimes. You may get pushback. That's normal; people are used to you behaving a certain way, and change takes adjustment on both sides. Some people genuinely don't realise they've been overstepping until it's named.
Hold your end. Repeat calmly as needed. You can only control your response, not theirs.
Step 5: Repeat Until It Becomes a Habit
Boundaries aren't a one-time event - they're habits. And like any habit, the more you practice, the more automatic they become.
It will feel uncomfortable at first. That's normal. You're doing something new, and the people around you are experiencing something new too. Discomfort doesn't mean it's wrong; in fact it usually means it's working.
Start small, build from there. Each time the moment comes - the call, the request, the impulse to say yes when you mean no - pause and ask: what did I decide about this? What works better for me here?
Over time, it gets easier. A few well-held boundaries in the right areas of your life can make a significant difference to your energy, your relationships, and how you feel day to day.
FAQ
Why do I feel guilty every time I try to set a boundary? Guilt when setting boundaries is extremely common, especially for people pleasers. It usually means you've been prioritising other people's comfort over your own for a long time - and changing that pattern feels wrong at first, even when it isn't. The guilt tends to reduce as the boundary becomes more habitual.
What if someone gets angry or upset when I set a boundary? That's their response to manage, not yours to fix. You can acknowledge their feelings without abandoning the boundary. Someone pushing back hard often just means the boundary is particularly needed.
Is it harder to set boundaries with ADHD? Yes; impulsivity and time blindness both get in the way. You may say yes before thinking it through, or agree to something without realising you don't actually have capacity. Knowing this helps; building in a pause before responding ("let me check and get back to you") can make a real difference.
Where's the best place to start? With the boundary that would make the most difference to your daily energy; but if that feels too big, start smaller and build confidence first. Any boundary practice is useful practice.
If boundaries are something you've been working on and keep getting stuck, this is exactly the kind of thing I work through with clients. I'm a registered counsellor based in Brisbane and also work online. Feel free to reach out at caracounselling.com.au